Sunday, May 31, 2009

Self Imaging

I'm sick.

My coworker's chest cold has turned into, for me, a raging chest infection, that the CVS minute clinic said I will need to have a chest x-ray for if I start having chest pain.


I'm afraid that this might post pone my big work out schedule. But I'm trying not to go there right now.

I'm watching America's Next Top Model, which normally I would not condone watching for good self imagine. But there's one girl who is getting a lot of flack for being muscular--that apparently she's only good for being a sports model. It's ridiculous. You can't be muscular (god forbid, you be healthy), you can't be curvy--they let the one "plus" size model go after 4 weeks. And what really blows my mind is how much these girls smoke, one of them is on the edge of alcoholism, if she isn't already full blown.

Back to the muscular girl. Being healthy should be the beautiful standard. So many models are so unhealthy and it's what we all strive for, which is RIDICULOUS. We'd all like to be stick thin, with no boobs, our clothes hanging off of us. What about being healthy, strong, toned?

I've struggled a lot with this recently. If I had one secret that I'd never like to share with anyone is this:

I'm horribly insecure with how I look.

Even now, writing that out, I'm very very tempted to delete it. But it needs to be said...because so many people suffer from this. The interesting thing is that someone can say "ugh i hate blank about my body" while the girl standing next to them can say "oh man I wish i had that girl's blank." Its self perception. For many people, myself included, we are our own worst enemy.

I wish that I had the knowledge to get away from the horrible things that we say to ourselves. I don't want to admit it, but every morning there is one thing that I never fail to do: after throwing off my pajamas, look in the mirror and say to myself one of two things: "I look thin" or "I look fat."

How pathetic.

How realistic.

Those three words that I say in the morning will shape my entire day. I will obsess over how my pants feel. I'll look in the mirror and tug at the skin around my face. I push my sides, jiggle my thighs and reinforce allll day. If I say that I feel thin...then my pants are some how loose, my arms look great, etc. etc. It's a vicious battle, and there's no way to talk myself out of that first sentence in the morning.

Of course, right now, it doesn't help that I can't work out because my lungs are in such bad shape from this chest cold. The lack of endorphins keeps me down.

I was really looking forward to kicking off to a healthier few weeks with the 28 Day Body Shapeover...but with this chest cold, I'm not allowed to work out for at least five days. If I do, there's a chance that I could aggrevate it and make it worse. I've got a stressful day at the office coming up, too. Getting back on track at the office and then getting through Impact Day.

Yuck. Too much negativity for one entry. The thing that I tell myself that does get me off my own back is this: "You can change things if you just do it. Take it day by day." So, just gotta take it day by day. Get back on track, get healthy, and get going.

For now, I guess more Top Model is on the books.

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